


Just another ...

by madmana (woelfchen)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre Breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-23 23:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1582748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woelfchen/pseuds/madmana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ryan comes home at night, he realizes that he won't share the bed with his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just another night (on the couch)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to have the three parts of 'Just another...' as seperate works, but as a series. I've thought about it for a while and it bugged me, because these were clearly not parts of a series but chapters of a story. So I've deleted the second two works and attatched them to the first part.  
> Now, that they are neatly bundled together, everybody should be able to find all the parts just fine.
> 
> \- Mana

When Ryan came home, the entire apartment was quiet, which was odd in itself. Living with Gavin did bring a lot of good things to his life, but having a quiet home was none of them. So when there was no sound of a running TV or PC, he knew something was off.  
His keys jingled when he threw them into their bowl by the door, in which Ryan spotted Gavin's keys. He was at home. "Gavin?", he called into the quiet, but there was no answer. Which wasn't too big of a surprise, if he was honest with himself. They had gotten in a fight earlier that day, which had Gavin leaving work early and Ryan going to meet up with Jack after he stayed as long as possible. Jack had invited him over for a drink and offered to listen to Ryan's problems. Had it been anybody else, Ryan would probably have declined, but Jack was a good listener and kept things to himself. Also, he would offer some good advice if he was asked to give some.  
  
Ryan shrugged off his jacket and hung it up, on it's place right next to Gavin's. Then, he took off his shoes and placed them on the rack in their hallway, right next to Gavin's favorite pair. He sighed, remembering the conversation he had with Jack just minutes ago. Then, he called out for his boyfriend once more. No answer. Again.  
  
  
He found Gavin in the living room, the younger man was sleeping on their couch. Ryan swallowed. He didn't just fall asleep while he was waiting, Gavin had planned to sleep there. He had taken his pillow and blanket from their shared bed and relocated them there. Again.  
A tight knot was forming in Ryan's stomach when he added up how often it had happened recently. Eight times in two weeks. Each time after they had argued on the day before. How did they ended up arguing this much? How was it always the small things that set them off?  
  
Ryan crouched down in front of the couch, watching Gavin's face. Even now, when he was sleeping, he looked stressed. Not relaxed and happy how he used to look like. Ryan swallowed and reached out a trembling hand. He couldn't even bring himself to touch his lover.  
How was it that after eight times, Gavin still chose to sleep on the couch instead of moving him to it. Ryan had brought it up in an argument as well. Though it was more of a demand than arguing. Gavin gave himself a sore body whenever he was sleeping here instead of in their bed. If he didn't want to share it with Ryan, he should kick him out, regardless of how much it hurt him. Because this was even worse. Nights, in which Gavin wasn't lying next to him always ended up in Ryan not sleeping at all anyways. If Gavin made him take the couch, at least he would get some rest.  
Like many times before, Ryan thought about moving him, but Gavin had reacted badly to it before. He couldn't even wake him up and beg him to take the bed, it would just be the spark to inflame another argument. Which apparently came in an endless stream nowadays.  
  
  
After a few minutes, Ryan had settled in the armchair, watching over the man he loved dearly. The younger man didn't move for a long time, and Ryan began to repeat their current argument in his head, trying to pinpoint where exactly he had gone wrong. Who had even started the yelling? He was almost sure that is was Gavin, but he realized that it had just been the reaction to something Ryan had said before. Something hurtful, he remembered, because Gavin had defended himself the whole time. Again.  
  
Two hours had passed and Ryan had curled up almost entirely, driven by guilt. He couldn't move his eyes away from the sleeping figure in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to leave him all alone, couldn't bear the thought of being alone in their bedroom. Even if he wasn't allowed next to him, he needed to be close to Gavin. He couldn't stand the thought of it, not being able to reach out to touch the man he loved, not wrapping him in his arms at night to keep him warm. Not kissing him sweetly to wake him up.  
  
  
Finally, the figure shifted, groaning from his sore limbs. Then, a moment later Gavin sat up and looked around. When he spotted Ryan, his face softened for a second and he smiled at him. But then, everything went back to being stressed out. "What are you doing here, you dope?", Gavin asked accusingly. Ryan could hear the disgust and the hurt in his voice.  
Ryan cleared his throat from the sudden knot that had formed in it. "I'm not taking the bed.", he clarified.  
To late Ryan realized the shift in Gavin's posture. His shoulder sagged and his hands clenched into the fabric of his blanket. He looked like he had just been backhanded, even let out a tiny whimper. "Of course.", he whispered out, "Should have known that you don't want to be there anymore. Our shared bed."  
Within seconds, he had shoved his blanket off himself and had rushed to their bedroom. Before Ryan could react and reach him, he had thrown the door shut loudly. The sound of him locking the door rang even louder through Ryan's mind.  
  
Softly, Ryan knocked on the wood. "Gavin. Please open the door.", he spoke softly. "I'd love nothing more than to share our bed with you. Open the door and give me a chance to apologize to you. I've messed everything up."  
There was no answer. Again.  
  
  
  
  



	2. Just another morning (without you)

6 am, Saturday morning. Ryan rubbed his tired eyes once, then checked the time. He sighed and hugged the blanket in his arms closer. After half an hour knocking on their bedroom door, he gave up on trying to coax Gavin out, or to let him in. He had taken the vacated couch and the still slightly warm blanket that his partner had left behind and curled up with it, breathing in the lingering scent of Gavin.  
True to his predictions, Ryan had not been able to sleep at all, and he guessed that Gavin might've had a restless night as well. He had heard nervous pacing several times trough the night, but decided not to approach him. Gavin wouldn't react anyways.  
  
A few minutes later, Ryan checked his emails on his phone. They kept him occupied for 20 minutes, but afterwards, there was nothing else to do, so he kept staring on the clock, watching the seconds tick by. At 7:30, Ryan finally had enough. He got up and went to their bedroom. He listened for a moment before he gently knocked. "You awake, Gavin?"  
There was no answer and Ryan hadn't expected to get one. A quick test confirmed that the door was still locked, so he moved on to the bathroom where he took a quick shower. With a frown, he put on his clothes form the day before and gave himself a once over in the mirror. He could definitely use a shave, so he pulled out his kit from the cabinet.  
  
  
Ryan moved on into their kitchen, starting to make breakfast for the two of them. He went all out with it, preparing a few of Gavin's favorites, brewing fresh coffee just the way he liked it, even made some fresh orange juice, making a note to buy some more oranges the next time they'd go to the stores. When the table was set, he went back to their bedroom to knock on the door, more forceful this time. "Gavin? I've made us some breakfast. Please come and eat, love."  
Of course, there was no answer, not even the slightest shuffle behind the door. "Come on, Gavin. Don't be like this. Let's just eat and then talk about it. Come out of there. I've made fresh coffee."  
The room stayed silent, there was nothing to indicate that there was somebody behind the closed door and Ryan placed a hand on the wood. His heart clenched a bit and Ryan sucked in a deep breath. "Gavin? You there?"  
  
His hand slid down the smooth wood to the knob. He gave it a little twist and the door gave in. Surprised, Ryan pushed it open and looked through the room. It was empty.  
Ryan's shoulder sagged, slowly stepping forward. His side of the bed was neatly made, just his pillow had been pulled over to the other side, where it was crumpled, like the sheets underneath it. Ryan placed his hand on the mattress, which was completely cold. He let out sharp breath, closing his eyes in pain. The clenching feeling in his chest spread further.  
A quick look to their nightstand showed him Gavin's phone, which was laying untouched atop a book that Ryan had been reading a some point in the past, but had not yet returned to their shelf. If the phone was still here, there was a good chance that Gavin was, too.  
  
Ryan tried calling out for him again, searching every room of their apartment. There was no answer, there was no Gavin, there wasn't even a trace of the man. With his phone still in it's place, Ryan had no way of contacting his lover.  
A few minutes later, Ryan made the painful discovery that Gavin's shoes and jacket, as well as his keys were gone. Maybe, Ryan thinks, maybe he's just on a quick run to the store. Maybe he'll be back in five minutes and then Ryan will feel stupid for even worrying. But deep down, Ryan knows that he's lying to himself.  
  
He settles down in the kitchen, his eyes fixed on the clock. Minutes ran by, but Gavin doesn't return. He shoves away the food, disgusted by the thought of it. He wouldn't be able to stomach it anyways, by the way everything inside was clenched up tightly. Even swallowing was hard.  
  
  
Ryan gives Gavin half an hour to return before he's had enough. He quickly changes, grabs his keys and runs out to look for Gavin himself. Maybe he tripped or he's lost in thought or he took a wrong turn somewhere and is lost himself. Maybe he's just sitting on the bench in front of their complex.  
He checks his phone every 10 minutes, in case he's missed a call or a text from his lover, but it stays eerily quiet.  
He searches for quite a while, even going as far as asking random pedestrians if they have seen Gavin. But nobody has seen the man, not in days at least. So at some point, there is nothing left than to go home, hoping that his stupid idiot boyfriend is sitting in front of the TV or something equally stupid like that.  
  
He hesitates before he inserts the key into their lock. If Gavin's not at home, he would have run out of possibilities. So when he finally pushes the door open, he waits a minute before he steps inside. "Gavin? Are you there?", he calls into the quiet apartment. There is no answer, but that doesn't have to mean anything. He looks again into every room, looks for his lover, a note, a change in their setup, anything, really. At this point, it would be fine to see some of Gavin's stuff missing, because that would mean he's alive and he's been here.  
But nothing changed. The phone was still on their nightstand, his clothes still in their wardrobe, the breakfast still untouched in their kitchen and his bedding still on the couch.  
Ryan feels like breaking down to cry, but he knows he's much stronger than that. He wouldn't allow himself to cry, and he knows Gavin feels the same. That thick headed idiot never cries, after all, so why would he now?  
But Ryan remembered the way he looked, the night before. The devastated look in his eyes, the defeated stance - how quickly he'd run from him. And Ryan breaks down, the guilt crushing him as he once again cradles the mans blanket to his chest. Let's himself tear up as his whole body is shaken by quiet sobs. He ruined it. The best thing in his life and Ryan ruined it. He would never be able to forgive himself, even if Gavin, bless his forgiving heart, ever did.  
  
It's 11:20 when Ryan calls Geoff. He had a feeling that, if Gavin was hiding somewhere, it would be at the Ramseys. It rings four times and Ryan takes a deep breath. What if they don't know where he's at. What if they haven't seen his missing lover? Geoff picks up the phone. "Hello?"  
"Geoff, hi, it's Ryan.", he rushes out.  
Geoff hesitates before he answers. "I know. I've seen the caller ID."  
"Right. Listen, I've got a quick question. Is Gavin with you?"  
Again, Geoff doesn't answer immediately. "... yes, he's here.", he replied reluctantly.  
Ryan breathes out in relief. "Can you - can I speak to him, please? He left his phone behind, I was worried."  
"He can't answer right now.", Geoff says, but Ryan can hear Gavin speaking in the background.  
He swallows before he answers. "Oh. Okay, than can you please tell him to call me? I really need to talk to him."  
Geoff sighs, and he quietly but sternly answers: "I don't think that's a good idea right now. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but when Gavin appeared at my door this morning, he was more than stressed out."  
"I- I'm really sorry. I just-"  
"I don't want to hear it, Ryan. It's none of my business. Listen, I wanted to call you later anyways, because I'll come around later to pick up some of Gavin's stuff. He asked me for a place to stay for a few days, so be so kind and pack some clothes, okay?"  
Ryan's throat formed a thick lump that he tried to swallow away, without any success. He couldn't answer.  
"Ryan?", Geoff asked after a while. "Can you do that?"  
Ryan closed his eyes. "Yes. I can do that.", he whispered out.  
The phone call ended. **  
**


	3. Just another day (I'm all alone)

It takes exactly 23 minutes for Ryan to get up again. He knows, because he kept staring at his phone that whole time after the call ended. 23 minutes that he spent barely breathing, hunched over and feeling sick. He lost.  
But unlike in videogames, he couldn't just go to the menu and restart the current level, couldn't undo his mistakes by doing everything again, but _right_. There was no cheatcode that he could enter on his phone to make Gavin forgive him or reset his own feelings. There was no easy way of fixing things.  
  
He drags himself from the couch, he picks up Gavin's bedding and carries it into their bedroom. He straightens the sheets neatly, puts his own pillow back and makes Gavin's bed, like his did every other day. Except that now his hands are shaking and his vision blurs.   
It takes way to long to smooth out all the little wrinkles and folds, way to long until the pillow sits just right, with the perfect gap between Gavin's and his own pillow, which is apparently not more that two inches, if any gap at all. But when he's got it right, when it looks perfect, Ryan contemplates letting himself fall face first down and drown in the comfort their bed could provide.  
  
He swallows, hard. There is no time for this and he knows it. Gavin needs his stuff after all. So with a pounding heart, he pulls out one of their travel bags from their closet and sets it onto the bed. Ryan's hands begin to shake again, his whole body trembling as he steps back to the closet. He bites down on his bottom lip to prevent himself from whimpering as he scans the clothing for the things Gavin might want to wear.   
There are some things there that stuck out to Ryan, which he takes out of the closet carefully. The shirt that Gavin wore on their first date, for example. The one he'd almost ruined when they'd gotten frisky in public, when Ryan had almost yanked it so hard that it ripped, but Gavin had prevented him from doing so. A shirt that revealed just enough of Gavin's shoulder to let the tiny marks that Ryan loves to leave on the others skin peek out from underneath the fabric, if Gavin moves just right. The trousers that, according to Gavin, get painfully tight whenever Ryan is around.   
The selection that Ryan makes is filled with memories, every single piece of clothing has a very specific meaning. To him, at least. He wasn't sure if Gavin knew of all his favorites, or if he remembered what he wore when he agreed to move in with Ryan. What he wore the day he actually _did_ move in with him. But Ryan remembered.  
  
  
The bag soon held enough clothes for a few days, so he wandered over to gather Gavin's things from the bathroom. "It's just like packing things for a vacation.", Ryan mumbled out loud. The thought helped him cope with the situation a little. Maybe it would just be that, all they needed was a little vacation away from each other. Maybe they've been on each others backs for too long. But Ryan knew, that just wasn't it. He was lying to himself, again.  
He ended up in the kitchen, from where he collected Gavin's before bed ritual, meaning biscuits and teabags that his parents sent every once in a while. For a second, he considered leaving them where they were, so Gavin had a reason to come back home, because Ryan was sure, that his beloved one wouldn't come back for him. He had hurt him to much. But that was just not fair.  
  
Instead, he collected all the electronics that Gavin uses on a daily basis and together with their chargers, he placed them into the nearly overfilled bag. On top, he put Gavin's phone, once again after a moment of doubt. He could leave it where it was. He could make Gavin come here himself to collect it. He could make him go into their bedroom, where he could possibly trap him and make him talk to him. But Ryan shook off that thought quickly. The thought scared him, making him wonder if he'd become a creep, if he'd become abusive, if he'd become everything he never wanted to be. He doesn't want to scare his lover, doesn't want to force him into anything, doesn't want to loose him.  
But what if he already did? What if he's done all that without realizing it before? Hadn't he already make him run? Didn't he already loose his partner to his apparently uncontrollable moods?  
  
  
After being immobilized by fear for about half an hour, Ryan finally found the strength to carry the packed bag over into the living room, where he sat it down onto the coffee table. He himself fell back onto the couch, staring at the offending bag so hard, he could probably set it aflame just by sheer willpower. It did nothing to soothe his troubled mind though. He couldn't accept the fact that this simple piece of fabric meant letting go of the one person he loved most. That it meant loosing, not only his lover, but loosing a game he hadn't known he was playing against himself.  
  
He was shaken up, out of his self loathing, by the doorbell. He immediately began to tremble again, because he knew, this could only be Geoff. Ryan glanced at the clock, surprised to see that it was 4 pm already.   
Slowly, he made his way over to the entrance, cursing under his breath when Geoff rang the bell a second time. With a weak movement, he opened up the door, leaving Geoff to push the door open himself. Ryan just turned around and walked back to the living room, not even taking the time to greet his boss.  
A moment later, he heard the door close with a small clicking noise, footsteps following him hesitantly.   
  
Ryan sat down on the couch again, finally facing his visitor. Geoff stopped in the doorway, leaning against the wood. "You look like shit.", he commented, and Ryan's eyes flickered down on himself for a second. He was properly dressed and there were no obvious stains on his clothing, so he wrinkled his forehead in a confused way.  
"Not like this. I mean you yourself. Like you haven't slept in a week.", Geoff clarified.  
Well, he wasn't wrong. Ryan hadn't had a full night's sleep in a long time, let alone any sleep at all. He just shrugged as his answer.  
Ryan's eyes flickered back to the bag, which was still sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He mentioned towards it with his hand. "I've put everything he needs in there.", he said, surprised by how hoarse his voice was.  
  
Geoff sighed, letting his previously crossed arms drop, and moved into the room. He took the bag off the table and carried over to the door, where he set it on the ground. Then, he walked back over to Ryan and sat down next to him.  
"How're you doing?", he asked with honest interest. Concern was flickering through his eyes.   
Ryan swallowed, taking a moment to think about his answer. "I can accept this. I'm fine." It was a lie, and Ryan was sure his boss could see right through it, because Geoff gave another sigh and pat his shoulder.   
  
Geoff got up again, walking out of the room. Ryan didn't bother to go after him, but he heard him busying himself in the kitchen. The fridge was opened and a moment later closed, a few things were placed in the sink, a cupboard was opened and a glass was filled. Then, Geoff came back, offering Ryan a glass of water. He took it without a comment and stared onto the circles on the surface.  
"What's all that stuff on the kitchen table?", Geoff asked him, his tone light and conversational.  
"Our breakfast.", Ryan answered, still hoarse. He cleared his throat, but Geoff pointed to the water. "Right.", Ryan mumbled and took a sip. The cool water was a relief.  
"It's untouched.", Geoff observed, nodding towards the kitchen.   
Ryan nodded. "Well, yeah."  
"So you haven't eaten anything today.", his boss concluded. "That explains why you look so shitty. Listen, regardless what happened - and I'm not gonna ask - not eating won't fix it. That's what I had to tell Gavin, too. It's just dumb as dicks."  
Ryan flinched a bit at the mention of his lover. "How's he doing?", he asked, his voice a husky whisper.   
Geoff sighed. "He's in pretty much the same state you're in. You gonna need to get your shit sorted out, cause this obviously isn't working for either of you. Now get up and eat something."  
Ryan's mouth twitched up into a short, sad smile. "You're right. I need to get my shit together."  
"That's the spirit.", Geoff answered, grinning. Once again, he clapped Ryan on the shoulder, then turned to leave. "You know, I told Gavin that he can have a room for a week, but that's it. That's all the time I can give you."  
  
Ryan nodded, understanding what he meant. He had one week until Gavin would be forced to find another place to stay. Until he could possibly loose him forever, because once he moves out, there was no way he'd be getting back, ever. He wouldn't bother to do it.  
  
  
"So, there's everything he needs in here?", Geoff called out from the door, referring to the packed bag. Ryan nodded to himself, but then he changed his mind. "Wait a moment!"  
He'd been off the couch in seconds, running to their small home office. He scribbled a few words down on a blank piece of paper and folded it twice, before he sped to Geoff. He pulled open the bag and shoved the paper somewhere between the clothes. "Okay. Now, there's everything in there."   
He gave another sad smile and then watched as an important part of his life walked out of the door. Now Gavin was set to stay away from him for however long he wanted.  
  
He retreated to the couch, where he blankly stared at the ceiling, where he silently repeated the words he'd written down for his partner.  
 _I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry._


	4. Just another week (you put me through hell)

Sunday passed by Ryan in a blur. Vaguely, he remembered that Jack dropped by, having heard the news from Geoff, remembered that Jack insisted that he’d eat something, but other than that, Ryan could not recall any kind of conversation. He was sure though, that Jack wouldn’t have let it go so easily, so he must have had a conversation with him. The lack of sleep made it impossible for him to focus.

  
Monday morning came with a screeching alarm in their bedroom. Ryan awoke, much closer to it than usual, and when he blinked himself awake and turned it off with a grunt, he realized that he’d finally fallen asleep. What was the last time he remembered glancing onto the clock? 2 am? 3 am? But he’d been awake for quite a while after that, so he’d gotten no more than 2 hours of rest.  
The next thing Ryan realized was that he was lying on Gavin’s bedding. He hadn’t even cared to pull the blanket up, he’d just fallen face first into the soft fabrics, clawing his hands into it.  
  
It took him longer than usual, sleep deprivation slowing him down, but he made it to the office in time. Michael was the only one already there, focused on editing a video already. The redhead didn’t look up, but he greeted him anyway. Ten minutes later, when his progress was saving, he finally turned around, greeting him properly. It only took him one look to see that something was very wrong. “Wow, you look fucking bad, man. You getting sick?”  
Ryan almost grinned at that accusation. He was self-aware enough that he knew he was unusually pale, deep and dark bags hanging under his red rimmed eyes, and maybe even a little thinner. He’d complimented himself in the mirror this morning, because wow, that look would certainly make a good impression on Gavin. He would throw himself right at him.  
Michael didn’t take the silence as an answer, and he inquired further: “Where’s Gavin?”  
Yes, of course, Michael would be the one to notice his absence nearly immediately and be able to connect the dots at an instant. “So, what happened?”  
  
Ryan sighed, knowing that Michael wouldn’t drop it, until he knew exactly what’s going on. “We had a fight. I was an asshole and made a few mistakes. Gavin’s staying at Geoff’s.”, he explained as short as possible. Talking about it again wasn’t high on Ryan’s agenda. He’d been going through it again and again in his head since Friday night, and he didn’t need other’s to drill any deeper into that open wound any more.  
Michaels eyebrows shot up. “Couldn’t have been that bad, could it?”, he asked, disbelievingly.  
"Well Michael, if it wasn’t so bad, Gavin would be here right now." Well that sounded a way more pissy than he’d intended. But it worked, Michael backed up and went back to editing a Full Play. With a heavy sigh, Ryan turned back to his own PC, which was still loading his current project. Man, he really needed the distraction of work.  
  
Geoff came in 20 minutes later and immediately started explaining todays schedule. Which wasn’t all that different from any other Monday, with the exception that Gavin wasn’t there. Ryan’s stomach had clenched into a tight ball when he had realized that his partner wasn’t with his boss this morning and hadn’t unclenched since. Hearing the words from Geoff only tightened the ball further.  
After they’d discussed the day, he pulled Geoff aside for a second. He swallowed hard, before he addressed the waiting Geoff. “How’s he doing?” was the only thing he managed to say, eventough there were many other things he wanted to say first.  
Geoff patted Ryan’s shoulder with a little sigh. “You know that. Now, let’s get going.”  
  
  
Tuesday wasn’t any better. Gavin was still missing and Ryan lost even more sleep, worrying over his boyfriend constantly. Ryan wasn’t in any form to participate in any recordings, so he spent the whole day editing. Geoff tried to send him home early, but Ryan refused. He desperately needed to drown himself in work, needed the distraction it provided, needed the background noises whereas the apartment swallowed each and every sound and left nothing exept for the deafening silence of loneliness.  
He figured that enough time had passed without seeming desperate (though he was) and he tried calling Gavin, but the lad wouldn’t pick up his phone. Instead, he asked Geoff to deliver the message that Gavin should call him or answer the goddamn phone already. His only answer was that Geoff told him as much since he’d come over.  
Jack used every opportunity to drop food at Ryan’s desk, demanding that he’d eat at least some of it. Ryan promised as much, but ignored it mostly. Ray and Michael were more worried about Gavin, of course, and sneaked in questions about him whenever they could. Geoff refused to answer them and Ryan could offer no answer at all.  
  
Somehow, that made everything even worse. Since nobody was giving them any kind of update, their minds came up with stories on their own. All they knew was that Gavin was staying at Geoff’s and, according to their boss, both, Ryan and Gavin, were feeling and looking like shit. So naturally, they started having theories of what happened. They never talked about them publicly, but Ryan still overheard them when he was heading back to the office. Michael and Ray had been in there alone for some time, and they’d started discussing their ideas in private. Ryan caught the voices when he was just about to enter, but he stopped in his movements when he heard Ray talking: “Do you think he beat him?”  
"He better not have. Gavin doesn’t even know how to defend himself properly."  
There was a small pause, until Ray went on: “That must’ve gone on for a while then. You think we should have noticed something?”  
Another short pause. “You know, he had bruises sometimes. But I always thought they were something else.”  
"So you say he did it."  
  
A hand touched Ryan’s back and he nearly jumped in surprise. Geoff was standing behind him, watching him closely.  
"I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, I’m just saying Gavin had bruises sometimes. That doesn’t have to mean anything.", Michael backed off.  
"Never thought Ryan had it in him anyway.", Ray mumbled out.  
Geoff shook his head. “Don’t worry about them.”, he said before he marched into the office with purpose written all over his stance.  
"Listen up, dickheads. I’ve heard you talking shit about the current situation. Whatever happened between the two, it’s none of your business and you should respect their privacy until they can figure it out on their own. So back the fuck off with your stupid ass assumptions."  
  
  
  
But if Ryan thought the last four days were the worst in his life, he couldn’t have been more wrong. It was Wednesday when Gavin returned to the office. Ryan’s heart did the stupid little flutter it always did when he sees Gavin. Immediately, he relaxes, his worries falling off of him, because Gavin is alive and he is well and he is talking with Geoff as they both enter. They laugh at something, and then Gavin steps trough the door and Geoff is out of his vision, and he sees Ryan and he freezes up.  
They stare at each other while the rest of the Achievement Hunters realize that Gavin’s back and cheer for him. Gavin doesn’t acknowledge it, he just stares back in Ryan’s eyes, his own pupils blown wide and his hands curl into fists. Gavin sucks in his bottom lip and he bites it hard, and Ryan can’t do anything else than sitting in his chair, crumbling under the pressure as his whole world shatters - again.  
  
Geoff clears his throat and it finally catches Gavin’s attention. “You alright, buddy?”, he asks quietly and Gavin nods. “Yeah. I’m gonna go edit now.”  
Without as much as a side glance, he strolls right past Ryan over to his desk, starts his PC and puts on his headphones eventhough he’s still in the booting menu.  
  
Ryan takes a shaking breath as he tears his eyes away from Gavin and turns back to his own work. There is a hand on his shoulder and when he lifts his head, Geoff is standing next to him. “You’re alright, too?”, he asks quietly, as not to draw attention from the other Hunters that are still staring holes into the back of Gavin’s head.  
"Yeah. I’m fine."  
"You sure? You’re shaking like crazy, and I’m sure you’re gonna break that mouse.", Geoff answers and points to Ryan’s hand. His grip had been so hard, his hand was cramped around the mouse, his veins popping and his knuckles turning white. A little surprised, Ryan let’s go of it.  
"Maybe I’m not. But that’s beside the point."  
Geoff rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say.”  
  
That night, when Ryan falls onto Gavins side of the bed, his entire body is in crippling pain. His partner had refused to talk to him, refused to even look in his direction, he just acted as if Ryan wasn’t right there, as if he doesn’t exist. Being ignored from the person you love and spent months after months with hurt even more than not knowing how they’re coping.  
  
  
  
Thursday was odd. The schedule that Geoff presented that day was odd. Everything felt even more wrong than it did before. They had to film at least one VS and technically an episode of GO!, but Geoff just wanted to do the VS, claiming that they had enough backup episodes, so they wouldn’t have to worry about more.  
But what really threw off Ryan was the fact that Gavin was scheduled in the editing room for the entire morning and had a meeting and some camera work to do in the afternoon. He wasn’t even in the VS. When Ryan later asked Geoff about it, he just shrugged and said that they couldn’t have everybody in everything. It wasn’t that rare after all.  
  
The VS was good, Jack won the belt from Geoff in an old game that neither Jack nor Geoff really knew well, but Ray had an surprising knowledge about the controls. Ryan only offered a few offhand comments whenever it got to quiet and coaxed a few laughs out of the remaining lads.  
But it still felt entirely off. Geoff apparently was okay with it, because he didn’t want them to redo it, like they sometimes had to do.  
  
So Ryan accepted it, glancing to the editing room every free second. He just hoped that Gavin would come out of there, come over and just do so much as look at him. At this point, Ryan didn’t even want more, he just wanted Gavin to glance in his direction, wanted him to acknowledge his existence. It was okay if Gavin didn’t want to talk or, did Ryan even dare to think it, touch, even as much as just a quick brush of fingertips over the back of a hand. Ryan just wanted Gavin to look at him, to lift the weight of the entire universe off his chest. But it didn’t happen, Gavin stayed in the editing room, not even reacting to him when Ryan walked in, because he had to put away some of the equipment that they stored in there.  
Before he left, he stayed for a minute, waiting for Gavin to do anything other than blankly staring at his monitor and moving his cursor around aimlessly. Ryan then took a deep breath, and before he could stop himself, he was talking, his voice pathetically broken: “I’m so sorry, Gavin. I didn’t mean anything that spilled out of my mouth that night. I’m so, so sorry. I miss you so much. And I - I love you so much. Please come home.”  
Apparently his vocabulary was reduced to a bare minimum and he winced, every time that he repeated ‘so’, annoyed by his own words. Another chance that he blew entirely. Quickly, Ryan fled the office, dashing to the exit of the building.  
  
He wandered around for a bit, needing to keep moving, so he strolled through the area without really noticing anything. Only when his phone rang, he realized that he entirely lost track of time. “Ryan! Where the hell are you? We’re about to record a Lets Play and you’re supposed to be in it. So get your ass over here!”, Geoff’s voice bellowed through the speaker. Ryan flinched.  
"Sorry, boss. I’m on my way."  
  
  
  
On Friday morning, Ryan considered staying home. He couldn’t take another day of being ignored by his partner, the thought alone made him want to throw up. His stomach was thankfully empty, so he was just dry retching a few seconds later. What a great way to start the day.  
He went to work anyway, because not seeing Gavin was a whole other pain than being ignored. At least he was physically close to him. He could deal with the rest.  
  
Ryan arrived late at the office, the others already working on their edits. A glance at the clock told him he’d only have three hours until Michael would begin with his Rage Quit, so Ryan really had to hurry up to finish up the Let’s Play for Monday. Glancing over at Gavin, who was immersed into his own edits, he sat down at his own desk.  
  
  
Before he could even start his PC, Geoff had called him into the editing room to explain todays schedule to him without disturbing the others. Ryan followed obediently. Geoff fixed him with a hard glare. “There is no progress being made.”, he began.  
"Well, I can’t work when you call me back here.", Ryan sassed. Geoff just rolled his eyes. "Not what I meant. Think you could finish the video while Michael’s recording?"  
There was a mischievous glint in the older gents eyes, but he showed no emotion other than that.  
"Only if it’s necessary. I guess I could edit it in here. Will take me a while to transfer the files though.", Ryan answered, glancing to the working station behind Geoff.  
"That’s good. Because I need you to record a new Let’s Play before Michael starts. It looks like good fun, and Ray tested it already. You shouldn’t have any problems with it."  
Ryan gave him a disbelieving look. Then, he sighed in defeat. “Sure.”  
Geoff smiled again. “Great. You’ve got 30 minutes to transfer the files. Two hours to record a 20 minutes video. Should be enough, right?”  
He nodded. That’d be plenty of time to record a decent amount of footage. Geoff gave a crooked grin. “Perfect. Gavin’s already in the know about this.”  
  
Ryan froze, the heavy weight on his chest suddenly very present again. He had trouble breathing, the air seemed way to cold to inhale, and he had to close his hands to fists in order to stop them from shaking. “You’ll make me record with Gavin? Are you serious?”  
The grin on Geoff’s face faded into a soft smile. “I’m giving you a chance, Ryan. You wanted to talk to him all throughout the week. I’ve heard the lads phone ring enough times, and I know he’s got a special ringtone for you. Make the best out of it - but remember to get at least 20 minutes worth of usable footage.”  
  
  
It was incredibly awkward. The time had passed both, painfully slow and lightning fast at once, and the other Hunters one by one dropped out of the office. Jack and Geoff claimed to have a meeting, Michael mumbling that he’d have to prepare for his Rage Quit, and Ray finally explaining that he’d have this one thing at that other place rather awkwardly, without getting to the point what the thing was or where the other place would be.  
Gavin slowly stood up and turned towards him after Ray left. Ryan’s heart once again gave the tiniest flutter, but his insides tightened into an inseparable mass when Ryan fully realized that Gavin finally, _fucking finally_ looked at him again. He was unusually pale, had bags under his half-closed eyes. His right hand was clamped around his left arm in a nervous habit and his entire posture screamed ‘fight or flight’.  
  
But he sat down, next to Ryan in Michaels vacated chair. He cleared his throat once, a second time and then glanced up into Ryan’s eyes briefly. The mass inside Ryan felt like doing somersaults. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”, Gavin said, his voice quiet and carefully placed. Ryan nodded, cleared his throat as well and answered a short: “Yes.”  
  
They ended up recording the Let’s Play twice, the first footage was nearly impossible to use. The intro had been way to forced, the drama played up and all in all, there were more awkward pauses than everything else. It took them almost an hour to warm up to each other, initiating careful banter, dropping small, contained jokes and finally even allowing themselves quiet laughter. After the first barrier broke, they restarted the recording, filling in jokes about it definitely being the first time they’d seen a cutscene, acting up surprise by plot twists and mocking the dialogue that pushed on the storyline.  
It’d almost made Ryan believe everything was okay. It’d almost made him forget how much he’d hurt Gavin and how much it’d hurt himself. He bathed in the laughter emerging from the lad, shivering whenever he shoved him playfully, basking in their conversation - until they were done. The second Ryan said the magical words ‘Let’s stop’, Gavin was up and running out of the room. “Gavin?”, he called after him, but he got no answer.  
He saved the file with a heavy weight pressing down his chest. Then he opened the editing program to burn in their names over their scores.  
  
Ryan took a shuddering breath. Of course, this had been too nice to be a consistent state. He backed off into the editing room and some time later, Michael came back into the office. But before he started his recording, he made sure to drop in with Ryan.  
"How’d it go?", he asked the older. Ryan shrugged. "The Let’s Play’s fine, I guess."  
"Not what I meant."  
Ryan’s shoulder sagged. “I know. He left, as soon as possible. I’m surprised he didn’t start running 10 minutes in the recording.”  
Michael pulled over a chair. “Wanna talk about it?”  
  
He nearly laughed. Michael, out of all people, was asking Ryan instead of Gavin about their relationship. “Not really. I guess I’ve lost.”  
The moment the words had left Ryan’s mouth, their meaning hit him - hard. He realized that yes, he’d lost. He’d blown the last chance he had, gifted to him by his boss, and Ryan hadn’t taken full advantage of it. He’d lost. Gavin was going to leave him, leave their apartment, leave Ryan’s life.  
Michael hadn’t had the chance to stop it, the moment Ryan had said those words, he started to shake violently, tears welling up, dropping from his eyes in thick drops. A never known tremor overpowered his hands, making it unable for him to reach up and stop the tears from sliding down his cheeks, but instead they ended up in his hair, gripping some strands and pulling on them hard.  
  
Michael was up in a second, trying to stop the eerily quiet man, that refused to sob or whimper, from hurting himself. He gripped his wrists, pulling them down, forcing both of his wrists in one of his hands, he started wiping away the liquid that pooled down the gents cheeks. “No, hush, it’s okay. It’s okay, Ryan, it’s okay.”, he tried to calm him down, without much success. “Damnit, Ryan, pull yourself together. You’re going to be okay. You can work something out. You’ll be able to deal with it. It’s gonna be okay.”  
  
  
It took an embarrassingly long time for Michael to calm the man down enough to be okay with him being alone. He’d be just a door away from him, he promised, reminding him that he’d be there, if Ryan needed him. The older man gave a crooked grin, nodding thankful, but sure he wouldn’t bother Michael any further.  
He turned back to the desktop, the mouse in his hand, when Michael started his recording: “So, uh, I guess I’m playing this stupid fucking game, somebody sent it to me, so thanks for nothing, asshole. And let me tell you, I’m fucking pissed already. Nothing to do with this game, but that might change in a few seconds. It’s just been an incredibly stressful week, something happend and it’s stil going on right now, but it’s none of your fucking business, assholes. So leave us the fuck alone, okay? So, this game-“  
Ryan forced himself not to listen to Michael any further, but mentally adding this his ongoing list of guilt. Annoying the others, dragging them down with him. What an amazing talent he had.  
  
Half an hour of editing passed, until something caught his attention. The little lamp on his phone blinked green, indicating he got a message. He punched in his code and everything turned upside down when he saw it was a message from Gavin.  
'We need to talk.'


	5. Just another evening (you're close but unreachable)

_We need to talk_. Ryan stared at the words on the screen of his phone. He was torn between riding the highest high, dancing on the tallest mountain in purest bliss, because Gavin actually wanted to talk to him, and getting crushed inside his own body, wanting to run and hide, because there was only one way their talk could end. Gavin was about to leave.  
His thumbs hovered over the touchpad, his head running through several possible conversations he could have with him right now. It took him way too long to finally type out an answer.  
    Ryan: _Yes._  
    Gavin: _You still at work?_  
    Ryan: _Yes. Meet me after?_  
    Ryan: _Anyplace you want. I can pick you up_  
  
A long pause followed after that and Ryan started to sweat nervously. Did he blow it? Had he pushed it too far, again? He fiddled with the screen, refreshing it every few seconds, but when nothing happened after a few minutes, he put down the phone with a sigh, but not without turning the volume up. If - no, when Gavin replied, Ryan wanted to know about it. But for now, he’d better get his work done, so he could meet up with Gavin as soon as possible.  
Maybe, a tiny voice in his brain informed him, maybe Gavin is on his way over right now. Maybe he’d open this very door soon, maybe he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible as well.  
  
Every other second, Ryan glanced up from his monitor to either the door or his phone anxiously, awaiting something, any sign from Gavin. Naturally, he didn’t get much work done, his mind so far away from the Let’s Play, he couldn’t even remember what they tried to do in it in the first place. The only thing he recognized was Gavin’s voice, the light banter he was having with Geoff and Michael, the laughter that erupted from him when Ray died because of his mischief, how he managed to confuse Jack with his own confusion.  
He rewatched the last 5 minutes he’d edited and noticed how most of the footage he’d used was captured by Gavin. Ryan sighed. That was some process he’d have to backtrack.  
  
The phone finally chimed. Never, in his entire life, had Ryan grabbed it quicker.  
    Gavin: _No, I’m too far away._  
Too far away? What did that even mean? Was he leaving town already? Had he picked up his stuff since their recording earlier? Bile was rising in Ryan’s throat, and he had to quickly grab the nearest trashcan, just in case he’d throw up - another chime.  
    Gavin: _Dinner later? The Italian place_  
  
Relief flooded Ryan’s entire system. He let out the breath he didn’t know he was even holding in, his whole posture relaxed slightly. Dinner was good. At least one hour with Gavin, two if he’d handle things right. Two hours that Gavin was willing to talk with him, that Gavin was still _his_. He would cherish every moment of it, because it would be their last evening together. Dinner also ruled out the possibility of drama - and Ryan wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Gavin could very well have chosen the place because he felt threatened by Ryan. But he knew Ryan would never cause any kind of drama in public, and Gavin wouldn’t do either.  
On the other hand, Ryan loved the restaurant that Gavin suggested. It was _their_ restaurant after all. Ryan had taken Gavin there lots of times when they were still dating regularly. It had even been the place of their very first date, Gavin being the one inviting him out. Would he now end it the way he began in? In a cozy corner of the lovely restaurant, a candle between them and cheesy music playing in the background?  
    Ryan: _Sounds nice. Is 7 okay with you?_  
    Gavin: _Yes. See you there_  
Ryan hesitated a second. Then he answered: _Can’t wait_. It was okay to show him he still cared, he still was looking forward to seeing him, right? He just had to show him how much he still loved him, how much he still desired the lad. He shouldn’t just give up on him.  
  
  
He returned to editing the Let’s Play, now speeding up the process considerably, he cut to the funny parts on autopilot, not even listening to the conversations anymore. He’d cut out everything unusable earlier anyways. Right now, there was something more urgent on his mind. Winning over his partner again - or convincing him to stay.  
  
For just a second, Ryan considered getting flowers for Gavin. But no, only fools rely on plants to make everything right. Gavin was worth more than that. Also, he probably couldn’t care less about them. And, if everything went wrong after all, Ryan would look like a total idiot, standing in the restaurant with a bouquet when his partner left him.  
No, if Ryan wanted to win over Gavin, he’d have to come up with something else, something special. Something meaningful. If only that was so easy.  
  
  
  
Ryan left the office at 10 to 5. He’d gone through the rest of the Let’s Play quickly, proofwatched the file, saved it once and set it up to render. He’d drop by the office after their date to see if the video was okay or if the program messed it up and corrupted the file. If it did, he’d have to rerender the video and then check the whole video again. But that was for later. Right now, he needed to get in his car, drive to their empty apartment and make himself presentable. He wanted to impress Gavin, maybe remind him why exactly he used to think Ryan was the hottest person around.  
  
He was home faster than ever. He’d sped through the city, admittedly without giving much of a second thought. Now he could just hope he’d not been in any kind of speed control, because that would definitely get him in trouble.  
Within a minute, Ryan was standing in the warm spray of the shower, having shed his clothes all over the place, leaving a trail of clothes behind him. With a sigh, he remembered all the times he’d left similar trails behind, mixed with Gavin’s, and, in most cases, they led to the bedroom and not to their bath.  
  
  
With a towel slung loosely slung around his hips, he stood in front of their mirror. To be more precise: Ryan stared into the cabinet behind the reflecting surface. When he opened him, the stray thought crossed his mind, that something was different. He couldn’t put his finger on it at first, but the longer he stared, the clearer it got. There were things missing from their spots. Gavin’s things. The lad had been here to pick up the rest of his products.  
As soon as Ryan made the connection, he was off, the towel falling from his hips as he passed the living room. He entered their bedroom, ripping open the closet forcefully. The door gave a loud cracking noise, but again, Ryan couldn’t care less that moment. He scanned the remaining clothes. Gavin’s stuff was still in its place, oddly enough though, one or two of his own shirts were missing.  
  
He’d taken a look around in their apartment, looking if anything else was gone. A pair of shoes and a book from the coffee table vanished, as well as a bag that Gavin used from time to time. Small things, just details, but Ryan noticed the empty spots where his partner used to leave his things. And every single missing item tore a hole into his chest. And with each empty spot, Ryan’s body shook more, until he couldn’t walk any more, his shaky legs threatening to give out under him.  
Ryan sunk down on the carpet in the living room, kneeling awkwardly in the middle of the room, his eyes searching every corner, every surface for more missing items. It was to much for one visit. Gavin couldn’t have carried it all out by himself, even with help, it must’ve taken at least two trips.  
  
A breathless sob escaped his lips, his upcoming doom hovering above him like the sword of Damocles. The decision had been made, but Ryan’s voice hadn’t been heard, hadn’t been considered. He just forgot to yell, hadn’t made his opinion, his desire public, hadn’t dared to push Gavin into a decision. Had he been careless? Should he have fought more? Yes, he should have, should have put everything out, take every opportunity that he’d missed, made himself understood – he claimed he could make himself understood after all. What use was it to be the ‘mad king’ with a clear and defined mindset, if he couldn’t use it in his real life? He couldn’t even adapt the character that he portrayed for such a long time, for his own good.  
  
  
But it was no use. He’d have to get ready, time was running by. Ryan wasn’t about to miss his last moment with Gavin, wanted to leave a pleasant memory for both of them after all. So he picked himself up from the floor, carried himself over, back into their bathroom and stood in front of their mirror. He picked out his shaving kit and started covering the scruff on his chin with a thin layer of shaving foam. With clean and precise cuts, he cleared his face from all the excess hair, before he wiped it clean with water and a fluffy towel. Then, he applied a bit of aftershave, the one that Gavin loved. It was all about him tonight.  
He gave himself a once-over in the mirror and sighed. He was pale, his eyes rimmed by dark bags and angry red lines and, perhaps his eyes were a little sunken in, as were his cheeks. When was the last time he had a proper meal again?  
He’d have to keep his current bad shape in mind, when he would dress himself later. But first, he’d have to tame his hair that was going wild from the lack of care it’d endured during the last week.  
  
Ryan ended up wearing an almost exact replica of his outfit of their first date. It was embarrassing that he remembered so clearly what he wore back then, but back then he’d been standing in front of his closet for at least half an hour like some high school chick until he finally decided upon his choice. And right now, he would still have chosen the mint green shirt over his current light purple one, but it was one of his shirts that’d gone missing. So he would have to wear the purple one to his black, formal pants. Admittedly, it still looked good, the fabric hugging tightly around his chest and arms, but not in a way that would have the buttons popping off at any sudden movement. It was formfitting, so to say. And it would hopefully take Gavin’s breath away.  
Hopefully so, because Ryan still couldn’t come up with anything to say to keep his partner. No gesture he’d planned out would convince Gavin to stay, and he realized that he’d have to finally admit that there was nothing he could do, except making a good impression and voicing all his thoughts and feelings.  
  
  
  
To avoid any kind of bad luck in traffic, Ryan hopped in the car early, just to make sure to be at their restaurant in time. He managed to arrive almost half an hour early, and he stayed in the car for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down to a reasonable level.  
The restaurant was surprisingly empty, of course that meant there wouldn’t be any delay in the food delivery. He walked up to the hostess, Claire, who recognized him immediately. “Good evening, Mr. Haywood. Table for two?”, she greeted him with a huge smile that Ryan only returned halfheartedly.  
"Yes, please. Something quiet would be nice."  
"Alright, how about a table in an alcove?", she asked cheerfully.  
Ryan nodded. “Sounds great.”  
  
Claire led him to the table, situated in a wall that simulated arcades, each separated from each other by colorfully decorated walls. The table stood elevated on a platform, divided from the rest of the room by a blackened iron railing and colored silken curtains. Briefly Ryan wondered why they didn’t eat in an alcove more often.  
"Your waiter for the evening will be Dana. I’ll send her your way right away.", Claire reported, but Ryan lifted his hand up to stop her.  
"Would you please tell her to wait until Mr. Free arrives?", he asked with a soft smile. Claire eagerly nodded. "Of course. If you change your mind, just give her a sign when she walks by, alright?"  
"Thanks."  
  
  
Ryan sat down with his back to the door. He knew that he definitely would be staring at the entrance the whole time if he didn’t force himself into the other direction. He fiddled with his napkin for a while, all the time still trying to come up with something smart, something clever, something that’d take away Gavin’s breath – or at least his desire to run as far away from Ryan as possible.  
  
Dana stopped by his table anyways, if only to chat for a second before she’d have to tend another table. She had been their waiter a lot in the past and she was a pleasant person who was genuinely interested in her regulars. She wanted to know if he was still working at that one internet company, was still enjoying himself. Ryan answered that yes, he was still working there and yes, it was still the job of his dreams. He wanted to know the same and Dana’s answer was just a long sigh. Apparently, the restaurant wasn’t doing so well anymore, not having many customers, eventhough nothing had changed recently. Maybe that was the problem, she mused before she had to go, not without asking if he wanted to drink something.  
„Not yet. But if you want to do me a favor, make sure everything takes as long as possible today.“  
She gave him an odd look, but she nodded. „Okay.“  
  
In order to distract himself, Ryan started polishing the silverware that was decked on the table. He began rubbing off the spots of dried water on his fork and knife, polished off the spots from Gavin’s as well and, when he reached for the spoon that was laying on Gavin’s side of the table, he was interrupted by a voice.  
“They’re not dirty, are they?”, Gavin asked in a small voice behind him. Ryan turned around quickly, taking the sight in front of him. Claire had led Gavin to their desk, but she was on his way back already, letting the Brit stand at the entrance to the alcove. He stood awkwardly between the two sides of the railing that separated the small room from the rest of the restaurant. He was wearing a nicer pair of skinny jeans that he owned, one of the things Ryan had packed in the bag when his lover first fled from their apartment. In addition to that, he was wearing a very familiar, mint green button down shirt. Ryan almost chuckled at the sight of it on Gavin, because, of course, it was a t least a size or two too big.  
The spoon landed on the table, forgotten even before it hit the surface.  
“You look good.”, Gavin commented, a bit unsure and still hovering in the entrance to the alcove.    
  
Ryan bit his tongue. He wanted to say something about his missing shirt, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it, afraid it would come out offensive and scare the lad away right away. So he thought about his answer for a second.  
“Thank you. I like your shirt.”, he then said instead, feeling the need to at least acknowledge that he noticed. “I like it on you.” Ryan remembered vaguely Gavin wearing the shirt before, just in an entirely different context.  
“I like it, too. One of my favorites, actually.”, Gavin said.  
  
“Please, sit down.”, Ryan plead, suddenly all too aware of everything that might go wrong this evening. He stood up himself, pulling out the chair for Gavin in a very gentlemanly gesture. Hesitantly, the younger man took the offered place, careful not to come too close to Ryan, careful not to accidentally touch his hand or an arm when he sat down. Ryan noticed how tense his partner was and he wanted to reach out and rub his shoulder, even place a soft kiss on the little bit of skin that showed on Gavin’s neck. But he didn’t, he wanted this evening to go at Gavin’s pace at all cost. There was too much depending on the lad being content.  
  
They sat in total silence until Dana arrived at their table again. They both stared down at their empty plates, Ryan again fiddling with the napkin in his hands.  
Dana noticed that something was off right away, so she did the one thing she knew how to do: Chatter away. “Good evening Mr. Free, good to see you again. I haven’t seen either of you in a while, I hope everything is alright? Well, I’ve got the menus for you.”  
Ryan took the laminated papers out of her hand and gave his partner one of them. “Thank you, Dana.”, he said, ignoring the question, but not outright refusing to give an answer. If Gavin wanted to add anything to it, he still had the possibility to do as he wish. But he didn’t. He just stared onto the menu, scanning through the offerings.  
“Would you like to drink something?”, Dana asked, looking at Ryan first with an apologetic smile. Gavin beat him to an answer: “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.”  
  
Well. This was interesting. Was Gavin trying to buy himself some time as well? He usually knew what he’d want to consume even before he set a foot into the restaurant, and in this particular one, he always took the same thing.  
“Me neither. We’ll drop you a sign.”, Ryan finished with a dismissing smile. He noticed Gavin glancing up at him surprised, but he pretended not to have seen it. Dana left again and Ryan figured he should actually start reading the menu in order to find something different for today.  
  
Gavin glanced up a few times, until he finally cleared his throat. “I was thinking pasta. Haven’t had some in weeks.”, he said, much less confident than Ryan was used to. He hummed in agreement. “Sounds about right. I’ve had the pizza way to often here. But actually, I’ve thought risotto would be a nice change for once.”  
“Yeah. Never had that either.”  
Another silence washed over them and Ryan’s eyes flickered to this partner every few seconds, catching Gavin looking at him every once in a while, getting caught in return every other time. Their little game continued until Gavin noticed Dana once again approaching. “Damnit, I still haven’t chosen a drink.”, he grumbled out. Ryan chuckled. “It’s not an evening for beer, huh?”, he asked in return.  
Gavin looked up, straight into Ryan’s eyes. “I thought it might be a nice change. I think it’s a nice evening for changes in general.”, he declared and Ryan’s stomach sank. If that wasn’t foreshadowing, what was? He lowered his gaze back down onto the plate in front of him. “Right.”, he mumbled out. It was settled then. Gavin was taking his time to end it on a good note. He swallowed deeply, suddenly not hungry any more. Not that he’d been especially hungry before, he thought, but now he just didn’t want anything at all.  
  
“So, boys, do you know what you’ll be having?”, Dana interrupted his train of thoughts. Gavin was smiling at her, lowering his menu to the table. “Yes, actually, I’m quite feeling like juice today. Apple, to be precise. Same color, but different taste.”, he replied cheerfully, giving him a cheeky little wink. Dana chuckled and wrote it down onto her notepad. “And what can I get you?”, Dana directed in his direction.  
“I guess I’ll have to take the beer then.”, Ryan smirked, not feeling the sass at all.  
  
They ordered their desired meals and, when the quirky waitress left, Gavin once again faced him. “Why’d you get a beer?”, he asked, and there was a worried and disappointed undertone swinging in his voice. “You don’t usually drink when we’re having dinner.”  
“Like you said, Gavin, tonight might be a good night for some changes.”, he said, more aggressive than he meant to. But in all honesty, he’d just tried to hide the defeat that raged through his veins.  
“You have to drive.”, Gavin accused and Ryan looked up, clearly amused. “Well one beer will not make me incapable of driving Gavin. You of all people should know that one beer won’t make me drunk.” Once again, his voice was far more aggressive than he planned to. He felt the need to back up. “I’m sorry. I just – yeah. I’m sorry.”  
Gavin shifted nervously in his seat. “Don’t sweat it.”  
  
  
This was stupid. This was the worst possible outcome of this date – was it even a date at this point? Regardless of what it was, it did not go how Ryan had planned it, eventhough the outcome was set in stone already. That didn’t mean Ryan couldn’t make the most of it, which was incidentally the opposite of what he was doing right now. He needed to talk to Gavin. He needed to get a conversation going in order to get him to laugh, to make him enjoy himself, just talk to him – “You’ve been home. Why didn’t you come by when I was around?”, he blurted out. Smooth, Ryan, real smooth.  
Gavin now had picked up his napkin as well, playing with it in his lap. “Needed some stuff. I noticed you’ve been sleeping in my bed. Why’d you do that?”  
“How do you know?”, Ryan asked, stunned. Gavin smiled at him, the first real smile that he was directing at him this evening. And it made Ryan’s heart stutter for a few beats. Heat rose up his neck and he was pretty sure that he was blushing right now.  
  
“Well, you do this thing where you don’t fluff up your pillow when you make your bed. It’s kinda obvious that you’ve spent the last few nights on my side.”, Gavin explained and Ryan flushed even more. It was true, he didn’t straighten out his pillow, he had a hard time finding a comfortable position as it was, he wouldn’t want to make the process any more difficult for himself. But what stung even more was the realization how well Gavin knew his habits and could detect such a small thing within a presumed short amount of time. If Ryan wasn’t blushing before, he’d definitely be right now.  
“Right.” Ryan cleared his throat. “So, what about you? You haven’t answered my question.”  
Gavin looked back up, his shoulders square, his face blank. He got as defensive as one could without rising ones hands. “You were at work and I was in the area anyways. Why is it bothering you so much?”  
  
Of fucking course, they’d be back to arguing within 10 minutes of their date. Ryan felt like tearing up, the past week having played a serious number on his mind. Instead, he closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. In a small voice he admitted: “It doesn’t bother me that you’ve been there. I’d just like to have known that you’d be around. I would have liked to spend some time with you. I could have helped you, you know?”  
Gavin stared at him disbelievingly. “Helping me with what?”, he asked, his voice just as quiet.  
“Moving out.”  
  
There. Ryan said it. He had said the words that he feared the whole day, taking the weight off of Gavin’s shoulders. He lowered his gaze to the floor, turning his head to the back wall, not wanting to see anybody right now. He heard Gavin making a small gasping noise, he was surprised that they’d reached the evening’s destination already.  
  
  
Ryan didn’t dare looking up until their drinks arrived. He thanked Dana, reaching for his beer immediately. He took a long drag and when he sat the glass down, it was half empty already. Looking up was a mistake, since Gavin was now back in his direct vision. He stared at Ryan with disbelieve and hurt.  
Immediate regret settled in the pit of his stomach. But he didn’t say a word. Deep down, he knew that this was just the first of many beers that he would drink tonight, the rest just in the safety and depressing silence of the apartment. God, he hated that thing. Actually, he decided he didn’t want to go home, maybe Ryan would just drive to a bar close to them and walk himself home when it closes and ultimately kicked him out.  
  
“I enjoyed recording with you, today.”, Gavin suddenly said. Ryan’s eyes flickered to his partner – maybe former partner was more appropriate at this point? Gavin hold his gaze, fixing him with stern eyes, but his lips were curled into a soft smile, which was an odd mixture on the Brits face in itself.  
“It was good – well, the second half of it. We messed up the first pretty badly.”  
Gavin laughed. “Yeah, that was pretty messed up.”, he agreed. “I hope that our future recordings are better than that. Let’s set that onto our list of changes, too.”  
There it was again. Gavin seems to have it set as his goal to remind Ryan of the painful truth as often as possible this evening. His smile dropped and so did Gavin’s.  
“Yeah. Let us not get personal things involved into our work.”  
  
“You know what I liked about today’s recording, Gavin?”, Ryan added as an afterthought. Gavin looked up and Ryan swore, there was an underlying hint of hope in his eyes. But that could very well just be his own imagination. “What did you like, Ryan?”  
“You were talking to me.”  
The lad gave a bemused squawk. “I’m talking to you right now.”, he pointed out.  
“And I like that, too.”, Ryan said with a grin. Finally, that went well. Gavin laughed, a real laugh that soothed Ryan’s torn soul and heart.  
“I’m quite enjoying that, too.”, Gavin admitted.  
  
  
  
They kept light conversation going until their food arrived. Dana smiled at them widely, having noticed the change of atmosphere between the two of them. “Thank God”, she said, “I was really worried about the two of you back there.” She pointed towards the kitchen, where she’d usually stay until she was needed.  
“No need to worry”, Gavin chimed, still giddy about the joke Ryan had made a few moments ago, “Everything’s working out great.”  
Oh great. So he had a plan for this evening as well. The soft let go. Ryan picked up his fork and started eating without another word towards the lad.  
  
Gavin noticed the sudden cold shoulder that Ryan was giving him and he tried to keep the conversation going, but he couldn’t coax more than a few words out of him, so he finally gave up trying again.  
They both glanced up at each other though, pain soaring through both of their bodies. This was definitely not the way they wanted to spend the evening.  
  
  
“What are we doing, Gavin?”, Ryan finally blurted out, dropping his fork on his almost empty plate. He wondered that he managed to eat that much briefly, but regarding that his stomach had not once been full the entire last week, it wasn’t that big of a surprise. Now he’d just have to keep it all in. Which might be a problem in itself, since Ryan planned on drinking himself into a coma later that night.  
“We’re eating in our favorite restaurant?”, Gavin tried. “The one we used to go to all the time, remember?”  
“No, I mean what are we _doing_ , Gavin?”, he asked, making his intention clear. Ryan was sick of this cruel game and he couldn’t stand the thought of it any longer.  
  
Gavin lowered his fork as well, facing Ryan with the most serious expression Ryan had ever seen on him. “We’re going out. We’re having a nice dinner and we talk and pretend that everything is peachy. That’s what we’re doing, Ryan.”  
Ryan swallowed hard. “I see.” He wiped of his mouth with his already crumpled napkin before standing up. “Please excuse me for a moment.”  
Panic rose in Gavin’s voice when he spoke next: “Where are you going?”  
“Bathroom. I’ll be right back. Don’t worry.” He hurried out of the alcove, crossing the room and sped up down the hallway towards the restrooms. He went straight for the first stall, closing it behind him with an aggressive click, before he leaned back against the door with a sigh. He rested his head against the smooth surface, briefly wondering when it had last been cleaned, before he took a deep breath. He felt incredibly sick. Gavin’s words echoed through his brain, and they cut deeper and deeper into his flesh. They’re pretending, that’s what they’re doing. One last time.  
Ryan’s knees hit the tiles next to the toilet rather hurriedly, when his food made its reappearance. It was disgusting, but Ryan couldn’t stop it from happening, just accept his fate.  
  
He flushed down his food, spitting one last time into the bowl, before he rinsed out his mouth with clear water from the sink. He desperately whished for his toothbrush or at least some mints. Of course he had neither.  
  
  
Gavin’s leg was jiggling nervously when Ryan returned. He hadn’t finished his food either, just kept staring towards the hallway that led to the restrooms. He took a long breath, relieved when Ryan came back and sat down again.  
Ryan pushed away his plate, disgusted by the thought of another bite. Instead he grabbed his beer and emptied its remaining content.  
“I’ve asked for the bill.”, he announced, when he sat the glass down a bit more forceful than necessary. “I hope that’s okay with you.”  
Gavin nodded slowly. “Yeah. That’s fine.”, he mumbled out quietly. His shoulder sagged and he left his head hanging down. Clearly he wasn’t okay with it. But Ryan couldn’t take it any more.  
  
  
Dana brought the bill five minutes later. Gavin and Ryan hadn’t spoken a word since, just stared at each other, searching for something in each other’s eyes but not finding what they were looking for. Ryan snatched the bill before Gavin could even move a finger, and pulled out his wallet. He paid generously and put the black case down, out of Gavin’s reach.  
It was now or never. “We still haven’t talked.”, he said. Gavin sucked in his bottom lip, biting down on the tender flesh. “Right.”  
  
Ryan knew it was up to him to make the first steps. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry that things happened the way they did. But I can’t change anything of it, and I nothing I can say will change that either. Guess I just have to accept it.”  
Gavin reached out his hand, but quickly pulled it back. He didn’t say anything.  
“Good talk.”, Ryan mumbled out, gathering his things to get ready to go.  
“I guess I’m sorry to. Had a lot of time to think about it. S’not your fault entirely, you know?”, Gavin rushed out quickly, both his hands shooting out, this time one grabbing Ryan by the wrist, the other hovering in front of him. Then he pulled back quickly as if he burnt himself. Now Ryan couldn’t find the words to answer him. “Let’s just go, okay?”, he said defeated. This entire meeting had been a bad idea in the first place.  
  
  
“Does Geoff pick you up or do you take a cab?”, Ryan asked the lad when they left. Gavin turned around to face him with a nervous smile. “I actually hoped you could drive me.”, he mumbled. Ryan raised an eyebrow upon this cruelty. Sure, he’d do it, but the sting in his heart didn’t make it any easier.  
With a small gesture he pointed to his car, walking Gavin over to the passenger side, even opening the door for him. Gavin got in, smiling up at Ryan. In a few quick steps, Ryan rounded the car, but he hesitated to get in.  
After a moment, he tugged open the door and got in himself. Gavin didn’t stop looking at him when he inserted the key into the ignition. “What?”, he asked, slightly annoyed.  
“Just take me home, okay?”, Gavin requested, his voice small.  
“What?”  
“I wanna go home.”, Gavin clarified.  
“Are you – are you sure about that?”, Ryan asked, still baffled.  
Gavin chuckled weakly. “Of course, you donut. I tried to tell you all throughout the day – but I couldn’t get myself to do it. Geoff was pissed when I still hadn’t apologized after the recording. I – I even asked him to force you into the recording. Well – that plan didn’t go well and neither did the date, and I’m afraid Geoff will rip my head off if I show up at his place again. So yeah – I really need to get my shit together right now.”  
Ryan stared at him, still not believing one word that came out of the Brits mouth. “What? But what about all that talk about change?”  
Gavin’s smile wavered slightly, but he didn’t drop it. “About that. We need to sort through stuff a lot. We need to change the way we treat each other – we haven’t been great to each other lately. Both of us. I’ve been kind of a jerk, too.”  
  
Ryan blinked at Gavin. “So – you’re not leaving me?”, he said, wincing at his whiny tone.  
“Couldn’t do it you dope. Last week has been hell.”  
“What about your stuff? Why’d you come and get more?”  
Now, Gavin chuckled lightly. “I asked Griffon to drive me Monday. I just needed something to comfort me, to calm me down. Thus your shirts and such. And today I made Geoff drop after we left the office. Needed to get myself cleaned up, but I didn’t have all my stuff with me.”  
“Gavin. I don’t know what to say. Can I – would it be okay if I kissed you right now?”  
The Brit leaned forward, finally reaching out for the older Gent, placing a hand on his shoulder gently. “I hoped you would say that.”, he admitted in a hushed voice before he placed a tender kiss onto the older man’s lips. He drew back rather quickly though. “Dude, you need a mint or something.”  
Ryan couldn’t help but laugh. “Shut up, idiot.”

 

**\- Just Another: End.**


End file.
